Saturday, April 17, 2004

FAITH

Lately I've been questioning the motivation behind my beliefs. I know for certain this questioning will not lead to a complete overhaul of what I know and understand to be true but, God willing, it will lead to a deeper knowledge and understanding of who I am, and what my motivations are- particularly in the "religious" sense.
The other night trying to fall asleep I found myself restless....kept awake by the idea that I'm a cheater, that I'm insincere, that my attempt at a spiritual life is being kept alive by nothing more than self-motivation and ego.
I began to ask myself - "Why do I make attempts to worship God in the Orthodox Church?"
Is it the need to feel superior to the "other half" who live without the Church. Is it a feeling of belonging which drives me? Is it a psychological need, possibly stemming from my personal experiences, which has led me to attempt feebly to approach God?Is it a desire for some kind of mystical experience which will deliver me from the monotony of day to day life? Is it the fear of death and final judgement? Do I only call on God in times of need- reducing God to a wish-giver of sorts? Is my religion a crutch?
If these things are true... then my Christianity is fake- it is a thin and cheap facade only existing to satisfy myself, not God. If this is true, then perhaps the critics of "organized religion" are correct, at least about me and my ego driven self-satisfying motivations.
My former priest used to say frequently: "We must become less, so that He may become more." Is my Christianity an emptying of the self, or is it pleasing to the self in its comforting concepts, its ritual, its talk of Church life which foster feelings of self-importance.

God preserve me from the superficial, so that I may worship in Truth and in self emptying Love.

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